A well-loved and revered priest and seminary theologian left the priesthood during the early years of my seminary formation because of gravely scandalous relationships. His departure and the scandal involved left many of us, his students, devastated, confused, and discouraged. Someone quipped about him, “He knows theology and scripture well, but he probably did not know himself well.”
Those words have stayed with me ever since then, reminding me of the indispensability of sufficient self-knowledge in the spiritual life and in any vocation. We cannot give ourselves in any vocation if we do not have sufficient self-knowledge. Our vocational commitments are endangered when we do not acknowledge our past failures and successes, strengths and weaknesses, limitations and abilities. We cannot ignore the feelings that accompany our actions, our self-destructive tendencies, alongside our hope and motivation to be faithful to our vocations.
The prophet Isaiah saw a vision of God’s glory. He does not for a moment consider himself one of the many faithful seraphim who were worshipping in God’s presence. He humbly confesses his unworthiness and privilege of being in God’s presence, saying, “Woe is me; I am doomed! For I am a man of unclean lips, living among a people of unclean lips, yet my eyes have seen the king, the Lord of hosts!” God replies to this statement of self-knowledge by cleansing and commissioning him. The prophet becomes completely available for God’s mission only after coming to appropriate self-knowledge: “Here I am, send me” (Is. 6:1-2, 3-8).
Similarly, St. Peter is not carried away by the huge catch of fish granted by Jesus’ miracle. Instead, he becomes painfully aware of his own sinfulness and the grace of having Jesus in the boat with him. He admits, “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.” As with Isaiah, the Lord commissions him once he has come to this appropriate self-knowledge: “Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.” Like Isaiah, Peter makes himself completely available for his mission. From there, “[w]hen they brought their boats to the shore, they left everything and followed Him” (Lk. 5:1-11).
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, our availability, fidelity, and perseverance in our vocation depend greatly on our self-knowledge—and our continued growth in it over time. But how can we acquire it? How can we get to know ourselves better?
There are three important means of attaining self-knowledge:
Firstly, we must look at Jesus Christ.
In the words of the Second Vatican Council’s Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, “The truth is that only in the mystery of the Incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light . . . Christ fully reveals man to himself and makes his supreme calling clear” (Gaudium et Spes, 22). We do not know ourselves by mere introspection or public opinion, but by looking to Jesus with trusting expectation that He will reveal us to ourselves, help us grasp our vocations, and give us the grace to fulfill them.
St. Paul obtained a good knowledge of himself by looking at Jesus and what He had done for him by His death and resurrection. St. Paul knew that he was beloved by God because “Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures.” He also knew that he was a sinner in desperate need of a savior, “For I am the least of the apostles, not fit to be called an apostle because I persecuted the church of God.” At the same time, St. Paul acknowledges that he is graced by God: “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me has not been ineffective.” He knows himself so well that he will not take the credit for that which God’s grace does in him, writing, “Indeed, I have toiled harder than all of them; not I, however, but the grace of God that is with me” (1 Cor. 15:1-11).
When we look at Jesus in all the conditions and situations of our lives, we begin to see ourselves as sinners who are beloved, who have access to God’s grace at any time, for any good work. It is only by looking at Jesus that we can see ourselves as God sees us. When we take our eyes away from Him, we loose this sight—either losing the ability to see and acknowledge our sins or losing the very center of our identity as sons and daughters of God. Without our identity rooted in Christ, we rely on poor and inappropriate self-knowledge, based on our wealth, status, jobs, successes, failures, or others’ opinions. These are insufficient (or even false) identities, leading us away from truth, happiness, and fulfillment.
Secondly, we must reflect on our conduct in times of suffering.
We never know our true selves without experiencing suffering and pain. It is so easy to have an exaggerated sense of our goodness when things are going well, according to our plans and desires. Times of trial help us to see our true selves. Suffering has a way of removing the façades worn during the everyday and pushing us to discover our faults and messiness. But in that discovery, the Lord invites us to unite our pain with His, so that we can understand our utter dependence on Him. Moments of suffering then become graced moments of truth about ourselves if we are attentive, choosing to reflect on our conduct and grow from it.
Lastly, we must embrace our vocations in life.
A sign confirming that we are in the right vocation is when we begin to know and understand ourselves better. The more we embrace God’s will, the more receptive we are, by His grace, to understand who we are before God. We begin to see more clearly God’s gifts in our lives, our sinfulness, and the power of His grace acting on us. When we resist His will and choose to seek our own, confusion abounds. We experience a lack of clarity. Eventually, we allow the world, the devil, or our sinfulness to tell us who we are.
Let us approach each Eucharist at Mass or in adoration with this intention: to know ourselves and our true identities. Jesus alone reveals us to ourselves. He draws us to participate in His mission and to share in His suffering. If we receive and embrace His call, then we will come to know ourselves better and open ourselves to the powerful effects of God’s grace. Only then can we most fully give ourselves to God and to others in all the circumstances of our vocations.
Glory to Jesus!!! Honor to Mary!!!
Photo by Joeyy Lee on Unsplash
